We've been praying about all three.
The topic weighs heavy on my mind throughout the day and as I drift off to sleep at night.
There is much to consider.
On the one hand, I think about how refreshing and exciting and powerful it would feel to be physically done having babies. It would be wonderful to never have to be pregnant again, to never have to go through morning sickness again. I know some women enjoy pregnancy - the burgeoning belly and the opportunity to be pampered.
But I don't. For starters, I get terribly sick, "all-day-and-throwing-up-and-I-can't-take-care-of-my-family" sick (this is a HUGE deterrent - it really was miserable for me and my whole family). Secondarily, I like to be strong and fit...I like to be able to bend over, to have energy, and to do things myself.
It would be invigorating to move on to a new stage and say farewell to the baby gear. We could start to travel, to pursue other ambitions, to change the world. I might actually go for that PhD and I could focus my efforts on all of the big dreams that are stored up in my heart.
But then...I have these fleeting moments when I look at my two sweet girls and I am overwhelmed by the wonder of it all, by the magic and the miracle of creating life. There really is nothing like it. I gaze into their precious faces and think, "This is what love has wrought. Out of our love, we created this beauty and magnificence and splendor."
There's nothing quite like that terrifying and inexplicable moment of childbirth - the intense pain, the glorious triumph, the wholehearted trust in a God who is much bigger than me. And then to experience "love at first sight," to revel in the baby's countenance, to sustain life through my body. And then to watch that little life grow up, to have a personality of her own. That is beyond amazing.
From there...my mind wonders to adoption - to the orphaned, the neglected, all of the children who would give anything for somebody to love. I'm strangely drawn to that. How inspiring and beautiful to welcome a child into your life. Of course, the thought also terrifies me. How scary to bring a new member into the family - one that I did not carry in my body or nurture from the very beginning. All kinds of worries cross my mind - What if the mother drank or did drugs or cursed her pregnancy? What if the baby was forsaken and left alone for many months at the beginning of his life? How will that affect his future...our future?
Fortunately, we don't have to make the decision today.
I'm still young. Although I am in my late twenties, I feel somehow old and ancient. I have an urgency about me. There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go, so many people I want to help.
I'm sure I am forgetting a million other considerations, other thoughts that roll through my mind and tug at my heart.
I hope that you will forgive my generalizations and my ramblings. I almost didn't write this post because I thought: "It's so personal. So subjective. Such a difficult decision. I'll forget to mention a hundred different points."
Finally, I feel a bit selfish, knowing that I can get pregnant, knowing that I have this choice...when many women are faced with infertility and miscarriage.
But I am deciding to hit "publish" because this is a huge part of who I am; these thoughts are continuously on my mind.
So, for now, we're undecided.
For now, I am just grateful. I am wholeheartedly content with the two incredibly smart, beautiful, and world-changing girls in my life: